The Twelve Days of Middle Earth
by Valarauko
Summary: Based on the popular Christmas song, every day something new gets added to the story. What do you get when you put the one ring, the fellowship, and a whole bunch of orcs in one room? Utter chaos.
1. One Ring to Rule Them All

_On my first trek through Middle-earth, this is what I saw:_

_One Ring to rule them all_

The one ring sat in the middle of the floor in an empty room.

"This is stupid," it said. "I can't actually do anything until someone else gets written into this story. Hello, can anyone hear me? We need the second verse! This is so boring. La la la la-"


	2. Two Shades of Gandalf

_On my second trek through Middle-earth, this is what I saw:_

_Two shades of Gandalf_

_And One Ring to rule them all_

"-La la la la."

Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White appeared in the room.

"Hey, where did you come from?" they said simultaneously.

"I'm Gandalf," they said.

"So am I," they said.

Oh boy, thought the ring. This is starting to get interesting. Maybe I'll even get some action.

"Psst, Gandalf the Grey, come over here."

Gandalf the Grey walked over to the ring. "Yes?"

"How'd you like to be even more powerful than your white self? Pick me up."

"I don't think so. I'll never become white if I go listening to evil rings." He started to walk away.

"No! Wait! Come back!"

"I'm not listening, I'm not listening!"

The ring had a flash of inspiration. "I strictly forbid you to listen to me! Keep walking!"

Gandalf the Grey stopped. The evil ring wanted him to go away? He'd better stay, then.

"I hope you're not listening to me, Gandalf the Grey, because I also don't want you to pick me up. Horribly good things will happen if you do, and as you know I'm an evil ring. I don't want you to hear what I'm saying and realize that you could use me to do good things."

Good things? Gandalf was glad the ring didn't know he was listening to what it said.

The ring laughed. Evilly.

Gandalf the Grey reached down to pick it up…


	3. Three Rings for the Elf Kings

_On my third trek through Middle-earth, this is what I saw:_

_Three rings for the elf kings_

_Two shades of Gandalf_

_And One Ring to rule them all_

Thunk Thunk Thunk

Gandalf the Grey was hit on the head by three gold rings that had materialized in the air above him.

"Ow!" he said and reached up to rub his head with the hand that had been about to pick up the one ring.

Damn, thought the ring. I almost had him.

The three elven rings rolled across the floor.

"Hey, Vilya, Narya, how've you been?" called Nenya.

"Nenya, good to see you! It's been ages!" Narya answered.

"Age, to be precise," said Vilya. "Who's wearing you now?"

The three rings rolled into a corner to talk about the good old days. Rolling over Gandalf the Grey's toes on their way.

"Stupid rings," Gandalf the Grey muttered. His head was still sore.

Bingo, thought the one ring.

"Gandalf, friend, are those little rings bothering you? You do know I have power over them? I can melt them where they sit. All I need is someone to wear me." It paused for dramatic effect. "That someone could be you."

Gandalf the Grey stared at the ring. Slowly, he reached down and picked it up.

"Good, now all you need to do is put me on, and those three rings can die. Go ahead, do it."

"Refreshments!" Gandalf the White shouted as he conjured up a buffet table. Gandalf the Grey stuck the ring in his pocket and went to grab a plate.

Overruled by a salad, the one ring thought. That's humiliating.


	4. Four Traveling Hobbits

_On my fourth trek through Middle-earth, this is what I saw:_

_Four traveling hobbits_

_Three rings for the elf kings_

_Two shades of Gandalf_

_And One Ring to rule them all_

Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin threw open the door and ran into the room.

"Did someone say refreshments?"

"Yes, I did," Gandalf the White said. "Help yourselves. And since when has this room had a door? We all had to appear."

"Who knows? Let's eat!"

The four hobbits loaded up their plates with food.

A few minutes later, Frodo looked around. "I thought this was a Christmas song. This room doesn't look very festive."

Everyone else looked, too. They had to agree, the room didn't have much in the way of decorations. Or furniture, for that matter. Or anything else.

For a while they really got busy. The two Gandalfs conjured up a fireplace and lots of red and green candles that even burned red and green flames. The hobbits strung garlands and wreaths out of lettuce and tomatoes, since there was plenty of salad but nothing else remotely green or plantlike. The three elven rings…well, no one was sure what they were doing, but the result was lots of comfy couches and armchairs and beanbag chairs. And the ends justify the means, even when you have no idea what the means were. So no one asked.

The one ring just sulked in Gandalf the Grey's pocket. On the whole, it had liked the open floor better than being in a pocket that smelled like…well, Gandalf's robes.

They all settled down in the chairs to finish eating. Those that had digestive systems, that is. The rings just settled down into the chairs, without eating.

"Suddenly, it's quite quiet in here," Gandalf the White said. "Don't you think so, Gandalf the Grey?"

"Huh?" It certainly didn't seem quiet to Gandalf the Grey. Or, was he the only one who was hearing the ring's constant whispering? _"Put me one, put me on, put me on…" _

"Oh, yes, as you say, very quiet. I wonder what's going to happen next?"

"_You_ are going to happen next," the one ring whispered. "You can be the event that shatters the peace. Go on. Put me on. Put me on! PUT ME ON!"

Gandalf the Grey couldn't help himself. His hand started moving toward his pocket. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop.

"Somebody help me!" he cried.


	5. Five Narsil Shards

_On my fifth trek through Middle-earth, this is what I saw:_

_Five Narsil Shards_

_Four traveling hobbits_

_Three rings for the elf kings_

_Two shades of Gandalf_

_And one ring to rule them all_

Everyone ducked and covered their heads in case something appeared above them. When nothing seemed to happen, they were very confused.

"Well," said Frodo, "we've had the next verse, but nothing's changed."

"Yeah, what's up with that?" asked Pippin.

Everyone stared at Pippin. "Now that," said Gandalf the White, "was the most obnoxious, and pointless, waste of words I have ever heard."

Gandalf the Grey was still fighting the one ring. Sam, recognizing the signs of possession from being around Frodo, reached over and grabbed Gandalf's hand before it could reach his pocket.

"Thanks, Sam."

"You should really put that thing back where you found it, Mr. Gandalf."

"Hello? Can anyone hear me?"

Everyone looked. There was a sword lying on the floor.

"Finally! Hi, my name's Anduril, but you can call me Narsil since that's what the song said I was."

Gandalf the White said, "The song also said the _shards_ of Narsil. You're a whole sword."

"Yeah, what's up with that?" asked Pippin.

"Shut up," everyone else said. "Once was annoying enough."

"So anyway, it's not my fault I don't fit the song. Besides, I was never _in_ five pieces. Did any of you watch the movie? Well, if you had bothered to count you would have seen I was in _six_ pieces. So either way, it's…what's wrong with _him_?"

Everyone turned around. Gandalf the Grey was sweating heavily with the strain of resisting the ring, but his hand was already in his pocket. Sam ran forward to try and stop him. He reached out to grab Gandalf's arm…

Gandalf disappeared. Sam overbalanced as he reached for nothing and fell flat on his face. They could hear Gandalf the Grey laughing, but the direction was untraceable.

"Sam!" The other hobbits ran to him. "Are you all right?"

"He kicked me," Sam grumbled as he got up. "That's not fair, kicking someone who can't see you."

"He's been taken over by the ring," Frodo said. "And the ring doesn't play fair."

"Yeah? What's up with that?" Pippin said.

Everyone flinched. "Gag him!" Frodo shouted. Pippin was tackled by the other hobbits and Gandalf the White. He was tied up and left in a corner.

Unsure what to do next, Merry asked, "So how do we save Gandalf the Grey from the ring if we can't see him?"

"Follow the trail of the ring's destruction," Gandalf the White said wisely.

"Huh?"

Gandalf pointed to a small gold puddle on the floor.

"He melted the elven rings!" Sam gasped.

"But how could he do that?" Merry asked. "I mean, the _elves_ made them."

"One ring to rule them all," Gandalf the White reminded them. "It has power over the other rings. In fact, it's lucky for us that the rings were melted. They would have fallen to the one ring's power and gone over to the other side."

"Maybe we can find some way to reforge them!" Sam said. He knelt down to get a closer look at the puddle. "We'll let this harden so we can peel it off the floor, then remelt it and make three rings out of the gold. It might work!"

And it probably would have worked, except…


	6. Six Urukhai

_On my sixth trek through Middle-earth, this is what I saw:_

_Six Uruk-Hai_

_Five Narsil shards_

_Four traveling hobbits_

_Three rings for the elf kings_

_Two shades of Gandalf_

And one ring to rule them all 

A large foot landed in the puddle and scattered the liquid gold across the floor. Sam slowly looked up. A band of Uruk-hai were glaring down at him.

"Eep." Sam crawled backwards and then ran to join the other hobbits hiding behind Gandalf the White.

The Uruk-hai looked at Gandalf, grunted, and turned away. They trooped over to a corner and huddled together, mumbling something in the black speech and casting suspicious glances at Gandalf and the hobbits.

"They're plotting something," Merry said.

"But what?" Sam asked.

"I don't know. Do you, Pippin?" Frodo asked.

Pippin didn't answer.

"Pippin?" The hobbits looked around. Pippin was missing.

"Oh, no!" Frodo realized, "We left him tied up in the corner!"

They all turned to look at the Uruk-hai, who were still standing around…something small lying on the floor.

"We have to rescue him! He'll be traumatized!"

"I know, Sam," said Frodo, "but how? There's six of them plus a Gandalf and three of us plus a Gandalf."

Merry took a deep breath. "Guys, I think it's time for…"

"No! Not that!" Frodo shouted.

"…_Ninja Hobbits_!"

Ten minutes later, the six Uruk-hai were out cold on the floor. Merry ran over and untied Pippin. "Come on," he said, "we need to find a defensible place before they wake up and want their captive back!"

"Before who wakes up?"

"Shh!"

"Merry! Over here!" Frodo, Sam and Gandalf had rearranged the furniture to make a fort behind the sofas. Merry pushed Pippin over the top of the couch before jumping into the fort himself.

"Pippin!" Frodo and Sam exclaimed. "You're safe!"

"You guys saved me!" Pippin cried. "Um, why are you all wearing black?"

"We're Ninja Hobbits," Sam explained. "You have to wear black to be a Ninja Hobbit."

"Gandalf too?"

"Well, he's sort of an honorary hobbit for now."

"Well, hello again! Been enjoying yourselves?"

The hobbits turned around. Their fort had just happened to be built around the spot on the floor where Narsil was still lying.

"I say, is anyone going to pick me up? I can't see a darn thing down here."

Frodo reached down and picked up the sword. He put it on one of the chairs. "Is that better?"

"Much. Wow! You've been fighting! Did you win? Boy, I love battles. Have I ever told you about the time I chopped the ring off Sauron's finger? Those were the days!"

"Does that sword never shut up?" Merry whispered to Sam.

"I don't think so," Sam whispered back. "I guess we just wait until the next things appear and maybe they'll be able to make it stop."


	7. Seven Rings for the Dwarf Lords

_On my seventh trek through Middle-earth, this is what I saw:_

_Seven rings for the dwarf lords_

_Six Uruk-Hai_

_Five Narsil shards_

_Four traveling hobbits_

_Three rings for the elf kings_

_Two shades of Gandalf_

_And one ring to rule them all_

"So… what's different?" Gandalf the White asked after a moment.

"Nothing, as far as I can tell," Frodo answered. He turned around, scanning the room. "Nothing, same old-"

"Oof! Get off me!"

"Oops!" Frodo had stepped on a grumpy ring. He took a step back.

"Oi, now you're on _me_!"

"Sorry, sorry."

"Hey! Gerroff!"

"Sorry!"

"Watch it, you big oaf!"

Gandalf rescued Frodo by picking him up and setting him on a chair. From up there, Frodo could see why he had had so much trouble finding a place to stand- the floor was seemingly covered in busy rings, rolling in every direction.

"They're the seven dwarven rings," Gandalf told him.

"How do you know that?" Merry asked. "They won't hold still long enough to count…"

"Exactly," said Gandalf. "They act busy even if there's nothing to do. Very like a dwarf, if you ask me."

"Busy?" Sam said. "Busy with what? What can rings do?"

The seven rings froze in their tracks. "We can _dig_!" they all shouted, and proceeded to demonstrate. In moments all seven had disappeared into an increasingly deep hole in the floor. Gandalf and the hobbits peered down, but soon the rings were lost in the dark.

"This is boring," Sam muttered, and wandered away, followed by the other hobbits.

"Hello there! How are you today?" Narsil called.

"Who is it talking to?" Sam wondered.

"Who cares, as long as it's not us," said Merry.

"No, really," Sam looked around the room, "there's nobody there."

"Of course there is," Narsil said. "The man with the long beard. Who looks remarkably like that other man with a long beard."

The hobbits glanced over their shoulders. Gandalf the White was still crouching by the hole listening to the dwarven rings work. They looked back out at the room. There was still nobody there.

"You don't suppose it can see Gandalf the Grey, do you?" Frodo asked quietly.

"Well, we can find out," Merry said. He turned to the sword and asked, "Hey, Narsil, can you describe this man you see? Like, what color is he wearing?"

"Oh, sure! Hmm, that's a good question. Might be… purple?"

"Purple?!"

"I didn't know anyone wore purple," Pippin panicked, "I mean, white and grey I've seen, brown and blue I've heard of, but purple? He must be so powerful that he can wear strange colors without being seen!"

Frodo thought hard. "Wait a minute. How likely is it that there are _two_ invisible people wandering around in here?"

"Not very," the other hobbits decided.

"And have we heard any verses about purple wizards?"

"No."

"So the most likely explanation is…"

"That he got in here by being more powerful than the all-powerful song, isn't bumping into Gandalf the Grey because he already got rid of him, and he's here to kill us all!"

"No, Pippin! The sword is colorblind!"

"Oh. What a relief."

"Narsil, can you see if the man is wearing any jewelry?" Merry asked.

"Sure can, he's got a rather gaudy green ring on."

"I'm betting it's gold, and that really is Gandalf the Grey he's seeing, wearing the one ring," Frodo declared.

Merry said, "But Gandalf the Grey is invisible. How can Narsil see him?"

Frodo shrugged. "How can it see anything? Narsil doesn't have eyes."

"That really didn't answer my question, you know."

Sam was thinking hard. "Narsil? Can you remember the whole time you were broken?"

"Well, sure, and let me tell you, it was-"

"Then you must have been able to think even in fragments," Sam interrupted. "Which means…"

"If Narsil can see invisible people…" Frodo mused.

"And if Narsil was in pieces…" Pippin added.

"Then we could all carry a piece of Narsil, and let it guide us as to where Gandalf is!" Sam finished.

"Brilliant, Sam!" Merry said. "That's the only possible way to fight someone you can't see!"

"Well," said Narsil, "that certainly sounds like it would work… wait, did you say- pieces? You're going to break me again? No!"

"Grab it!" Frodo shouted. The hobbits leapt on the sword as it tried to roll away. "Jam it under something!" Sam called. Merry stuck the point under one of the sofas and began leaning on the other end. Pippin pushed a footrest under the sword to act as the fulcrum and sat on it.

"It's not working," Merry gasped. "Frodo, help me!" Frodo reached up and started tugging on the hilt with Merry, but it still wouldn't move. "Sam!" Sam scrambled over and, grabbing the end, swung himself up so that he was hanging from the sword.

Narsil was bending and grumbling about it, but not breaking.

"It won't budge! We need more people!" Frodo called.

"But there is no one else!" Sam said.


	8. Eight in the Fellowship once Boromir bit...

_On my eighth trek through Middle-earth, this is what I saw:_

_Eight in the Fellowship once Boromir bit it_

_Seven rings for the dwarf lords_

_Six Uruk-Hai_

_Five Narsil shards_

_Four traveling hobbits_

_Three rings for the elf kings_

_Two shades of Gandalf_

_And one ring to rule them all_

More hands reached in to pull on the sword. With a sudden 'crack!' it broke into bits, sending the hobbits tumbling to the floor.

"Oof!" Merry got up and helped Sam to his feet. Frodo pulled Pippin up, who dusted off Sam, who offered a hand to Frodo, who had fallen on top of Merry, who tripped over Sam, who was stuck under the couch…

Suddenly the hobbits realized there were more of them than before. Twice as many, in fact.

"Well, will you look at that! Hullo, Sam!" said Sam.

"Wow, I never knew how good-looking I am," grinned Pippin.

"Now this is just strange," Merry told Merry. Merry nodded.

"Now this is just confusing," Aragorn told Legolas. "Four hobbits are hard enough to keep track of, but eight? Utter chaos. And identical twins, at that."

Legolas blinked. "And there's another Gandalf, as well."

"Okay, okay, hold still all of you," Aragorn said to the hobbits. "Right, now who's been here and who just got here? Separate yourselves." After a bit of shuffling, the hobbits ended up in two groups. "Right. You-" Aragorn pointed first at the group of old-timers, "are going to be Pippin. Yes, the Pippin in black. What are you, ninjas? …Never mind, I don't want to know. You're Pippin, and you're Peregrin. Merry and Meriadoc. Sam and Samwise. And Frodo and… the Other Frodo."

Frodo and Other Frodo looked at each other and laughed. "Maybe I should have gone by a nickname like everyone else," said Frodo.

Now Legolas took charge. "So, one of you who have been here the whole time, tell us who else is here? And only one of you, I don't need to try listening to four hobbits chattering at once."

"Well," said Merry, "there's Frodo, Pippin, Sam, me, Meriadoc, Peregrin, Samwise, Other Frodo, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf the White who just arrived, Gandalf the White who's actually wearing black, Gandalf the Grey who's turned invisible, seven dwarven rings somewhere down that hole, lots of pieces of Narsil, six Uruk-hai that haven't been doing anything so I guess they're still unconscious, and the one ring." Merry took a deep breath. "And the three elven rings, but they kind of melted. Wow, that's a lot."

"It would have been a lot less if you had left us in one piece," complained half a dozen bits of Narsil in unison.

"Shut up already," said four of the hobbits.

"So, what we have to do," Gimli summarized, "is take the one ring back from Gandalf the Invisible, find some way to destroy it while keeping away from six Uruks and an angry, possessed wizard, then reforge the three rings and Narsil, ally or fight with anything in the next four verses, and somehow find our way out of here?"

"Yes, that sounds like everything," Aragorn said.

"Impossible."

"No, just very, very improbable," Legolas told him.

"We need to have a strategy meeting," Aragorn suggested. "Can you get the two Gandalfs over here?"

"Sure. That means you get to round up the hobbits. Good luck."

Aragorn turned around to see utter chaos. He yelled, "Merry, Meriadoc, and Peregrin! Put the pillows down and stop hitting each other with them! Sam, Samwise, it doesn't matter which of you can cook better, stop arguing and get over here! Pippin and Other Frodo, leave Narsil alone, it's not a jigsaw puzzle. Frodo… what are you doing?"

"Watching the ant," Frodo said calmly.

"Ant? How did an ant get in?" Aragorn asked.

"That's what I was wondering."  
"There must be a flaw in the plot." Gandalf the Black had arrived just in time to hear Frodo's ant problem. "The rings haven't dug through yet, so the ant must have gotten in here on its own. That means there's a place somewhere in this room where the song's control is weak. If we can find the plothole, we might be able to escape."

"Escape?" Aragorn asked. "Are we really that desperate?"

"This is verse eight," Gandalf the Black said. "So what comes in nines? Think about it."

Aragorn thought about it. "Nothing that I want to be in a room with. Follow that ant!"

"The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah-"

"Pippin, stop singing that song!" Gandalf the Black yelled.

"-go marching two by two, hurrah-"

"Peregrin!" Gandalf the Grey barked. "Shut up!"

Pippin and Peregrin cowered under the force of a double Gandalf Glare of Death. The other six hobbits glanced at Pippin and Peregrin, then at each other, and as one began to sing. "The ants go marching…"

* * *

(A/N: Ah, I thought this might be getting a little confusing, so let me explain really quick: there are now three different Gandalfs, so they need three different names or we'll all get really lost. The 'Gandalf the Grey' from chapter 2 is now called 'Gandalf the Invisible' because he's wearing the one ring. The 'Gandalf the White' from chapter 2 is now called 'Gandalf the Black' because he became a ninja. And the 'Gandalf the Grey' from chapter 8 is still called 'Gandalf the Grey'. Need it simpler? Grey(Ch2)- Invisible. White(Ch2)- Black. Grey(Ch8)- Grey. Got it? Good.) 

(Oh yeah, and there was a line from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in this chapter. If you noticed, kudos to you.)


End file.
